Radical

It's amazing how quickly everything can change. I'm not just talking when you move or change a job. Those are big changes, don't get me wrong. I'm talking about the shake you to your core, knock the breath out of you type of change. I'm living that right now, in this moment, in the past moments, and future ones to come. I'm not who I was even 2 years ago, my path has veered another way, my roots are taking hold, and I'm starting to grow.

I'm terrified, shaking, unable to catch my breath but when I stop and listen, it's there. That peace. I'm loosing those I have held so dear for the majority of my life and that is heart achingly, heart breaking, and pure...hell. Again, I stop. I'm gaining people, wonderful people. People that lift me up, build me up, and let my light shine.

I can't be who I was, who they all want me to be, because that girl has evolved. The woman, the radical woman I have become and am still growing into has other goals in mind. This radical woman is fiercely protective of her family, determined, gentle, hard working, and....happy.

Looking down the path, I see warm light and a place to rest. A place to celebrate. A place to take root and grow wings. Scared, yes; but hopeful. Trusting in Him that the warm light I'm wandering towards is home. I can't wait to get there.

Stop. Take a breath. Close your eyes. Do you feel it?

My Story: Unremarkable Me.

You must follow the link above! This post inspired so much of my soul for how to move forward with this blog of mine. I am just brimming with ideas and now I feel I may have the courage to follow through. Super excited!

Also, I am officially taking guest posts for November! Please comment if you are interested or email me at alysa(dot)kowis(at)gmail(dot)com.

Father’s Day Weekend and Running out of Spoons

Happy Father’s Day to all you Dads out there! Fatherhood: When a good man goes dad! I got my husband the Logitech Harmony One remote for his gift from me and Lizzy gave him a beautiful letter with her foot prints on the bottom. His father and step-mother came and watched her for a few hours on Saturday so we got to actually be a couple for a bit! Very enjoyable. However one of our activities was outside and I spent a bit too long in the sun. The sun causes lupus to flare up rather bad. I went to bed rather early yesterday after a long hot bath and lots of medication. This morning I was still running very low on spoons (The Spoon Theory) but had things that needed to get done. So, like most mothers out there, I pushed forward.

Here was my to do list for the day:

1. Coupon clipping!
2. Feed the babe
3. Grocery Store
4. Target and pharmacy run
5. Feed the babe
6. Wipe down kitchen and bathroom
7. Mop
8. Laundry (work in progress)
9. Make dinner for my hubby for F-day
10. Feed the babe and get all of us ready for bed

I figure I’m doing rather well. I’m still in the process of learning my new diagnosis. It seems I learn something new every day. I have a big doctor day this Tuesday that includes a trip to the Ophthalmologist (apparently blindness is an issue with my meds), my regular weekly trip to my rheumatologist, and a trip to my OBGYN. Not to have a major TMI moment but they are stopping my cycle for 6 months to a year due to my hemoglobin levels, if I drop 2 points lower I will need a blood transfusion and iron infusions for up to 6 weeks. Like I said, learning things every day. Everyone I know is being very supportive and trying their best to keep up with all of my doctor appointments and new developments.

The biggest development as of late has been the child bearing issue. Lupus patients usually are on some form of immunosuppressant but with that comes issues of having children. It can cause miscarriages and malformations. J and I are in the process of figuring out how long I can be on this without having that be an issue. As well as how long before trying again would I have to stop. I have already spoken to my OBGYN about my diagnosis and she has dealt with many lupus pregnancies and feels confident she could get me through another one. I would have to stop all my medications except for 2. I feel I can do it but it’s a long ways down the road. We want to ideally have Lizzy out of diapers before having another. But we are trying to be realistic with my disease that the younger I am the easier this may be. I will find out much more detail on Tuesday with my march of the doctors.

Emotionally, I am handling this all pretty well. I have my moments of waning to shout “WHY?!” at the top of my lungs and wishing it was all just  a joke. I pray and talk to those close to me and trudge on. This is a marathon, not a race after all.

A week of firsts

I know I am still behind on posts and updates so I am going to do a quick personal overview of what’s going on and then get into the fun happy things!

1. I am currently going through rounds of testing to hopefully find out what is wrong with me after over 10 years. I don’t know if it’s serious or not but hopefully Monday will show some answers.
2. My mothers job was up in the air for a month or so, but thankfully God came through and she got to just do a lateral move doing pretty much the same job but for a different department. Plus, she is going back to school! So proud of her!!
3. Josh started a new job and my job is expanding. Lots more work stress there as well as time.
4. My beautiful sis-n-law is a college grad! Super proud of her!!
5. My best buddy/sister from another mother is FLYING through beauty school with multiple gold stars right behind her!
6. A good friend is getting awfully close to baby time! Go tell her hello if you get a chance @ Pure Joy and Adoration

Now for some fun stuff! This has truly been a week of firsts.

I had my first Mother’s Day (w00!).

This is Drunny. He is a dragon/bunny hybrid and now lives at my desk. I also got a very sweet card from my loves. Then we had a nice lunch and Red Robin and Lizzy ate her teether :)

 

Elizabeth rolled over!! Sadly I have no pictures of this but it was an awesome addition to my Mothers Day. I do, however, have cute pigtail pictures!

Next, Elizabeth decided she wanted to start feeding herself. So now all you have to do is hand her the bottle and she takes it and goes to town!

 

Okay so , I’m exhausted from everything listed above and desperately want to just go lay on the couch with my hubby while the little one is napping. I will try and update soon!

I’m Still Enchanted

I blink my eyes and I am so, so enchanted
There's so much beauty that we take for granted

 

Do you remember that feeling as a little girl? A wooded area was a magical land and you were an enchanted princess? How do we  loose that ability to see beauty around us?

I want to find that again. I long to feel connected to the world around me, to see the unseen, to find light in darkness. It got lost along the way to the corporate world, motherhood, marriage, and to do lists. My goal is simple, find beauty daily, find magic in my surroundings, radiate light. It’s easy to forget that it is easy to find, it  may be in my daughters smile, my husbands touch, or my daily chat with God. It’s more than just seeing beauty in the things around me but also the beauty in myself.

Stay tuned.